Movie starts
Optimus: The Autobots and humans have an alliance and we fight the remaining Deceptecons on Earth and junk, yadda yadda yadda [flash forward to top secret military base]
Asshole from Pentagon: You guys have a piece of the Allspark!
Deceptecon: I'll take that [goes to bottom of ocean] Here, supreme leader! [inserts shard of something into Megatron]
Megatron: Grr humans blablabla you betrayed me Starscream! [walks up to what appears to be a metallic Deathclaw sitting in a chair] Hey dude what's up
Deathclaw: Find Shia LeBeouf and kill him [audience cheers]
Back on Earth, TheBeef is at college after breaking everyone's heart and leaving Megan Fox and Bumblebee at home 3,000 miles away
TheBeef: Hey you're my roommate
Roommate: Hey I'm going to be your obnoxious sidekick, ok? Also, check out this video of alien robots!
TheBeef: I don't secretly have anything to do with this.
Roommate: Cool, hey look at that hot chick
TheBeef: [speaks in cybertron language and writes some crap all over the room]
Hot Chick: You're hot I want you now [locks roommate out of room, turns into robot, Terminator fans die a little inside]
Megan Fox: I'm breaking up with you because robots (?)
TheBeef: Run!
[another chase scene reminds us that this is Bay's version of the podrace, and we all try to kill ourselves as the one song on the soundtrack plays for the thirtieth time since the movie began]
Roommate: I'm more annoying and awkward than TheBeef!
Opimus Prime: I'm dead, go away.
Roommate: OK.
Simmons: I hate you [tazers him]
Jet from Smithsonian: I was a Decepticon but now I'm not. Let's go to Egypt [transports them to Egypt, TheBeef flies off into the distance and breaks his hand (yay!)]
Simmons: Bring Optimus's body to the Red Sea.
Army: Okay, that's not suspicious [Optimus's body falls from the sky as Egyptians look on in confused terror]
Megatron: We found TheBeef! Everyone gang up on him! [large firefight ensues]
Simmons: Use a railgun on the pyramids
Army: OK [baysplosions]
Simmons: I'm good [switch to 3 minute sequence of Megan Fox running in slow motion in a skimpy shirt]
TheBeef: This sock has the last hope for Optimus to live inside it! [large explosions behind him throw him into an exploding car, he dies, audience applauds, Megan Fox cries]
Deathclaw that's apparently not the same as Megatron's buddy: TheBeef, you died to save Prime. Have this novelty knife thing. It'll bring Optimus back better than your sweaty gym socks. [sock disintegrates, replaced by the Scion symbol]
TheBeef: I'm not dead anymore! [stabs Optimus with Scion logo]
Optimus: Me either!
Jet from Smithsonian: You'll never defeat the deathclaw without this [rips out heart and gives to Prime]
Optimus: Cool, now I have wings! [kills all the bad guys]
Megatron and Starscream: Let's go [fly away]
Optimus Prime: I'll let them go because there's no possible way that they would ever come back again. [end movie]
Showing posts with label rifftrax. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rifftrax. Show all posts
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Live Free or Die Hard: Magnolia's Dessert Tray
[Movie opens. Shots of people typing a lot. Some computer jargon is exchanged over the phone. Suddenly we realize that there is no longer a standard for action movies. The fast-paced music in the background keeps up with the rapid typing of hackers. Flash to people playing Gears of War, a computer explodes because someone hit control-alt-delete. Wait, what? Flash to Rutgers University]
Lucy McClane: Hey sort of boyfriend, stop touching my boobs.
Sort of boyfriend: But I want to touch boobies.
Bruce Willis: [rips off door of car] She said no.
Lucy: Dad!
Sort of boyfriend: What?
Lucy: *scoffs* I'm leaving until the end of the movie! [leaves]
Sort of boyfriend: I don't have any more lines in this movie. [gets in car]
[Bruce Willis gets back in his car, gets a call on the police scanner]
Chief: Hey go pick up the Mac kid from those commercials, the Feds want him. We know where you are because we lojacked your car. Also, why are you at Rutgers? And more importantly why is your daughter still in school on the 4th of July?
Bruce Willis: Lojack? That's not something I would turn on, who turned that on?
Chief: God you're a moron. Pick up the Mac kid and bring him to DC.
Bruce Willis: What's a Mac?
[switch to the Mac kid listening to bad music and instant messaging someone. Suddenly his computer locks up, so, it being a Linux system, he naturally reaches for control-alt-delete. Computer-literate people everywhere weep a little bit. Knock on door stops him from hitting delete and blowing himself up]
Mac: Who is it?
Bruce Willis: NYPD. Fuck you.
Mac: [opens door] Haha, you don't look like NYPD. You a lost guy or something? [Bruce Willis flashes ID] That looks like you bought it at Toys R Us. [Bruce Willis flashes gun] That looks pretty real. Come in.
Bruce Willis: [picks up action figure] You play with dolls? [breaks it] Oops.
[outside, a bunch of tough guys speaking French get out guns. The plot holes are building up, and we're only 3 minutes in. They shoot up the apartment, Bruce Willis kills them, a Terminator action figure falls on the keyboard and hits the delete key, blowing up the apartment. Cool. Willis and Mac kid get in the car and drive to DC. they arrive in DC. Switch to FBI building]
Cliff Curtis: We dun got hacked. Dayum. [antrax alarm goes off.] Oh snap! Everyone to the outsides! I'm playing a black guy in this role. [goes outside, gets in the FBI Mobile Command Center. Bruce Willis shows up]
Bruce Willis: Blah blah blah police business make fun of bald people blah blah waffle.
Cliff Curtis: Cool, we'll escort you someplace. Go get in that car there.
[they get in the car. It starts driving and after a couple minutes of nothing happening the Mac kid recognizes the voice of the chick that told him to hack for the bad guys at the beginning of the movie. Turns out she is impersonating the dispatcher for DCPD and leading them into a trap]
Mac: It's a trap!
Bruce Willis: [picks up radio handset] Hey dispatch you having a rough day? Must be crazy out there with all those 587's? (actual line)
Chick: Yes, we had to dispatch all units (actual line)
Bruce Willis: Wow, went through a lot of trouble for all those naked people walking around. (actual line) [they start driving in a different direction, a helicopter shoots at them, they enter a tunnel that's supposed to be closed]
Bad guy: Open the tunnel, all lanes. Make every lane go both directions.
Assistant: What? Is that even physics?
[bad guy opens the tunnel from both directions in every lane. People drive in all lanes in both directions. He turns the lights off.]
Bruce Willis: Crapshitfuckdammit
[lots of crashing happens, Bruce Willis gets in a car and drives it real fast and hits a toll booth at one end of the tunnel, catapulting the car into the air, hitting the bad guy helicopter hovering nearby]
Mac: You just blew up a helicopter with a car! I think that was cool and such!
Bruce Willis: I was out of bullets. (actual line) Let's walk to a cafe. [steals some guy's phone and calls Cliff Curtis, is interrupted by the news showing a video of the Capital Building blowing up. Turns out it was a fake. The cell network dies.]
Mac: This is a firesale. Take out everything at once because it's all run by computers now. The world then dies. Yays? Oh by the way if we go to West Virginia that's where ALL OF THE POWER for the EASTERN SEABOARD is controlled, so they're going to be there to turn it all off at once and fuck shit up.
Bruce Willis: Let's go to Virginia.
Mac: But I'm hungry. Can't the world wait?
Bruce Willis: Fuck you we're here.
[the chick from earlier is hacking the system, they stop her. epic fight scene ends in Bruce Willis running her over with an SUV and dropping her down an elevator shaft and then the SUV falls on top of her. Then everything blows up by remote, effectively cutting the power. Wait, if they could do that why did the bad guys bother coming to do it manually? Anyways, Mac and Willis get in a helicopter]
Mac: Let's go see Warlock. He's this guy somewhere. Here, we'll use the bad guy helicopter that somehow survived this natural gas power plant blowing up underneath where it landed. Wait, can you fly?
Bruce Willis: We're here.
Warlock: I'm the classic movie nerd. Fat, greasy, short, paranoid, lots of action figures, big computer, and an old CB radio to top it all off. My radio frequency is 66.6, just in case the world ends suddenly. Also, hate cops and think the basement I live in under my mom's house is called a command center. Darn I spilled my bugles all over the floor. Okay I helped in some way.
Bad guy: [pulls up video chat with Warlock's computer, shows Bruce Willis he has his daughter hostage. Willis gets pissed and leaves, determined to get his daughter back]
Bruce Willis: I have no idea where I'm going, but I know it's called "Woodlawn". Any schmo on the street should know where that is, right? No wait, we're here. Somehow we were able to drive right past all the security posted everywhere and sneak through the vents.
Bad guy: A breach in the vents? There are sensors for that? Go get them, I assume it's Willis and not a badger or something.
Mac: Hey, cooling towers. Meaning I can hack these fans. I set off an alarm. Yay?
NSA guy: Alarms at Woodlawn!
Cliff Curtis: What's Woodlawn?
NSA: Above your paygrade. But if you must know, the current bad guy designed it for us. It backs up all of the word's financial data to 3 servers in case something like this were to happen. Oh yeah, and we left everything exactly as he designed it after we fired him and got him all mad, because after he hacked the NSA and shut down NORAD we thought he was too dumb to try and pull this off.
Cliff Curtis: You're dumb.
Bad guy: [gets on walkie with henchman] Go kill Bruce Willis. He's in cooling tower number 1.
Henchamn: Oy.
Mac: Oh no, a henchman!
Henchamn: You're coming with my accent. Now, come on!
Other henchman: I get money if I kill Bruce Willis! [goes to find Bruce Willis. fight scene over a fan during which Bruce Willis uses the word "hamster" to describe a person moving erratically. All of a sudden the henchamn falls into the fan. Willis walks away and goes outside to see the bad guys leaving in two vehicles, a Hazmat van followed by a big rig truck. He jumps on the truck and kills the driver]
Bad guy: This guy won't quit. Let's tell this F-35 that was "in the neighborhood" to kill him. Send him the go codes and tell him to kill Bruce Willis.
[chase scene between F-35 and truck. Willis drives up an obnoxiously long spiral on-ramp to a bridge, with the jet shooting out the supports behind him, like a responsible fighter pilot on American soil. The whole thing collapses, and the truck catches at an unfortunate angle directly above the fighter. Bruce Willis falls to the back and out the door, and onto the plane]
Fighter Pilot: Oh no, Bruce Willis is on me! Eject, eject! [ejects]
[the jet goes into autorotation, Bruce Willis jumps off onto a fallen piece of the bridge, just in time for the plane to explode above him. Cut to pointless 1-second shot of the pilot landing safely in a nearby parking lot]
Bruce Willis: Despite not following the van for the last 7 minutes, I know somehow that they have only just arrived at that warehouse just around the corner that I can see from here underneath this debris. Now to stop them. [enters warehouse] Stop, thie-gah! [is shot multiple times, falls over]
Bad guy: Haha, you fell down. Also, as soon as Mac kid unlocks this computer, which will apparently take 10 seconds, I'm killing him and your daughter. Then you. That way you get to watch me kill them. [picks him up, holds gun to his head]
Mac: Hey, I need 10 seconds. But you already said that. Hah.
Bad guy: You know, Bruce, they should make your tombstone say something about how much you suck at being in places that make you not be involved with this kind of thing. That was a long line. [puts gun in a bullet wound on Willis's shoulder]
Bruce Willis: I was thinking something along the line of YIPPIE KIYAY MOTHERFUCKER [pulls trigger, shooting the bad guy in the heart through his shoulder]
Mac: [points gun at last remaining henchman] BLAM BLAM BLAM BANG BANG KAPLOOIE! [shoots henchman a couple times]
[FBI finally shows up with about 30 SWAT guys. Where the hell were they the rest of this movie? Cut to everyone in abulances]
Lucy: You know, dad, you shot yourself.
Bruce Willis: Don't tell no one. It's a super duper secret. Also it'll make me look insane, not that I'm not, I just don't like reinforcing that fact.
[movie finally ends. 2 more hours you will never, ever get back, but it might be worth it to watch a geeky kid stare gape-jawed at Bruce Willis shooting things and driving cars into flying vehicles]
Lucy McClane: Hey sort of boyfriend, stop touching my boobs.
Sort of boyfriend: But I want to touch boobies.
Bruce Willis: [rips off door of car] She said no.
Lucy: Dad!
Sort of boyfriend: What?
Lucy: *scoffs* I'm leaving until the end of the movie! [leaves]
Sort of boyfriend: I don't have any more lines in this movie. [gets in car]
[Bruce Willis gets back in his car, gets a call on the police scanner]
Chief: Hey go pick up the Mac kid from those commercials, the Feds want him. We know where you are because we lojacked your car. Also, why are you at Rutgers? And more importantly why is your daughter still in school on the 4th of July?
Bruce Willis: Lojack? That's not something I would turn on, who turned that on?
Chief: God you're a moron. Pick up the Mac kid and bring him to DC.
Bruce Willis: What's a Mac?
[switch to the Mac kid listening to bad music and instant messaging someone. Suddenly his computer locks up, so, it being a Linux system, he naturally reaches for control-alt-delete. Computer-literate people everywhere weep a little bit. Knock on door stops him from hitting delete and blowing himself up]
Mac: Who is it?
Bruce Willis: NYPD. Fuck you.
Mac: [opens door] Haha, you don't look like NYPD. You a lost guy or something? [Bruce Willis flashes ID] That looks like you bought it at Toys R Us. [Bruce Willis flashes gun] That looks pretty real. Come in.
Bruce Willis: [picks up action figure] You play with dolls? [breaks it] Oops.
[outside, a bunch of tough guys speaking French get out guns. The plot holes are building up, and we're only 3 minutes in. They shoot up the apartment, Bruce Willis kills them, a Terminator action figure falls on the keyboard and hits the delete key, blowing up the apartment. Cool. Willis and Mac kid get in the car and drive to DC. they arrive in DC. Switch to FBI building]
Cliff Curtis: We dun got hacked. Dayum. [antrax alarm goes off.] Oh snap! Everyone to the outsides! I'm playing a black guy in this role. [goes outside, gets in the FBI Mobile Command Center. Bruce Willis shows up]
Bruce Willis: Blah blah blah police business make fun of bald people blah blah waffle.
Cliff Curtis: Cool, we'll escort you someplace. Go get in that car there.
[they get in the car. It starts driving and after a couple minutes of nothing happening the Mac kid recognizes the voice of the chick that told him to hack for the bad guys at the beginning of the movie. Turns out she is impersonating the dispatcher for DCPD and leading them into a trap]
Mac: It's a trap!
Bruce Willis: [picks up radio handset] Hey dispatch you having a rough day? Must be crazy out there with all those 587's? (actual line)
Chick: Yes, we had to dispatch all units (actual line)
Bruce Willis: Wow, went through a lot of trouble for all those naked people walking around. (actual line) [they start driving in a different direction, a helicopter shoots at them, they enter a tunnel that's supposed to be closed]
Bad guy: Open the tunnel, all lanes. Make every lane go both directions.
Assistant: What? Is that even physics?
[bad guy opens the tunnel from both directions in every lane. People drive in all lanes in both directions. He turns the lights off.]
Bruce Willis: Crapshitfuckdammit
[lots of crashing happens, Bruce Willis gets in a car and drives it real fast and hits a toll booth at one end of the tunnel, catapulting the car into the air, hitting the bad guy helicopter hovering nearby]
Mac: You just blew up a helicopter with a car! I think that was cool and such!
Bruce Willis: I was out of bullets. (actual line) Let's walk to a cafe. [steals some guy's phone and calls Cliff Curtis, is interrupted by the news showing a video of the Capital Building blowing up. Turns out it was a fake. The cell network dies.]
Mac: This is a firesale. Take out everything at once because it's all run by computers now. The world then dies. Yays? Oh by the way if we go to West Virginia that's where ALL OF THE POWER for the EASTERN SEABOARD is controlled, so they're going to be there to turn it all off at once and fuck shit up.
Bruce Willis: Let's go to Virginia.
Mac: But I'm hungry. Can't the world wait?
Bruce Willis: Fuck you we're here.
[the chick from earlier is hacking the system, they stop her. epic fight scene ends in Bruce Willis running her over with an SUV and dropping her down an elevator shaft and then the SUV falls on top of her. Then everything blows up by remote, effectively cutting the power. Wait, if they could do that why did the bad guys bother coming to do it manually? Anyways, Mac and Willis get in a helicopter]
Mac: Let's go see Warlock. He's this guy somewhere. Here, we'll use the bad guy helicopter that somehow survived this natural gas power plant blowing up underneath where it landed. Wait, can you fly?
Bruce Willis: We're here.
Warlock: I'm the classic movie nerd. Fat, greasy, short, paranoid, lots of action figures, big computer, and an old CB radio to top it all off. My radio frequency is 66.6, just in case the world ends suddenly. Also, hate cops and think the basement I live in under my mom's house is called a command center. Darn I spilled my bugles all over the floor. Okay I helped in some way.
Bad guy: [pulls up video chat with Warlock's computer, shows Bruce Willis he has his daughter hostage. Willis gets pissed and leaves, determined to get his daughter back]
Bruce Willis: I have no idea where I'm going, but I know it's called "Woodlawn". Any schmo on the street should know where that is, right? No wait, we're here. Somehow we were able to drive right past all the security posted everywhere and sneak through the vents.
Bad guy: A breach in the vents? There are sensors for that? Go get them, I assume it's Willis and not a badger or something.
Mac: Hey, cooling towers. Meaning I can hack these fans. I set off an alarm. Yay?
NSA guy: Alarms at Woodlawn!
Cliff Curtis: What's Woodlawn?
NSA: Above your paygrade. But if you must know, the current bad guy designed it for us. It backs up all of the word's financial data to 3 servers in case something like this were to happen. Oh yeah, and we left everything exactly as he designed it after we fired him and got him all mad, because after he hacked the NSA and shut down NORAD we thought he was too dumb to try and pull this off.
Cliff Curtis: You're dumb.
Bad guy: [gets on walkie with henchman] Go kill Bruce Willis. He's in cooling tower number 1.
Henchamn: Oy.
Mac: Oh no, a henchman!
Henchamn: You're coming with my accent. Now, come on!
Other henchman: I get money if I kill Bruce Willis! [goes to find Bruce Willis. fight scene over a fan during which Bruce Willis uses the word "hamster" to describe a person moving erratically. All of a sudden the henchamn falls into the fan. Willis walks away and goes outside to see the bad guys leaving in two vehicles, a Hazmat van followed by a big rig truck. He jumps on the truck and kills the driver]
Bad guy: This guy won't quit. Let's tell this F-35 that was "in the neighborhood" to kill him. Send him the go codes and tell him to kill Bruce Willis.
[chase scene between F-35 and truck. Willis drives up an obnoxiously long spiral on-ramp to a bridge, with the jet shooting out the supports behind him, like a responsible fighter pilot on American soil. The whole thing collapses, and the truck catches at an unfortunate angle directly above the fighter. Bruce Willis falls to the back and out the door, and onto the plane]
Fighter Pilot: Oh no, Bruce Willis is on me! Eject, eject! [ejects]
[the jet goes into autorotation, Bruce Willis jumps off onto a fallen piece of the bridge, just in time for the plane to explode above him. Cut to pointless 1-second shot of the pilot landing safely in a nearby parking lot]
Bruce Willis: Despite not following the van for the last 7 minutes, I know somehow that they have only just arrived at that warehouse just around the corner that I can see from here underneath this debris. Now to stop them. [enters warehouse] Stop, thie-gah! [is shot multiple times, falls over]
Bad guy: Haha, you fell down. Also, as soon as Mac kid unlocks this computer, which will apparently take 10 seconds, I'm killing him and your daughter. Then you. That way you get to watch me kill them. [picks him up, holds gun to his head]
Mac: Hey, I need 10 seconds. But you already said that. Hah.
Bad guy: You know, Bruce, they should make your tombstone say something about how much you suck at being in places that make you not be involved with this kind of thing. That was a long line. [puts gun in a bullet wound on Willis's shoulder]
Bruce Willis: I was thinking something along the line of YIPPIE KIYAY MOTHERFUCKER [pulls trigger, shooting the bad guy in the heart through his shoulder]
Mac: [points gun at last remaining henchman] BLAM BLAM BLAM BANG BANG KAPLOOIE! [shoots henchman a couple times]
[FBI finally shows up with about 30 SWAT guys. Where the hell were they the rest of this movie? Cut to everyone in abulances]
Lucy: You know, dad, you shot yourself.
Bruce Willis: Don't tell no one. It's a super duper secret. Also it'll make me look insane, not that I'm not, I just don't like reinforcing that fact.
[movie finally ends. 2 more hours you will never, ever get back, but it might be worth it to watch a geeky kid stare gape-jawed at Bruce Willis shooting things and driving cars into flying vehicles]
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Hellen Keller's Take
I know that I did this way back during the summer, but to kick off my new blog I decided to move my content from Facebook to here. Feel free to click the ads on the page, I get paid when you do.
[movie opens, Harry Potter is reading a newspaper in a subway station]
Hot chick: Hey who's Harry Potter? He seems famous.
Potter: Not me. I'm obviously too awkward to accept the fact you're blatantly hitting on me.
Hot chick: Uh-huh, I'm gonna go be over here.
Potter: When do you get off work?
Hot chick: 11, see you then?
Potter: I'm awkward. [looks at platform, sees Dumbledore, goes to him, takes 3 hours in movie time (3 seconds in real time) to get across the platform]
Dumbledore: Come with me.
Hot chick: I'm too blind to notice that cool/awkward/oblivious kid is right over there, guess I'll look around like I'm disappointed or something.
[Dumbledore and Harry teleport to some place, I have no idea where anymore]
Harry: This place is all fucked up. What the hell did you do?
Dumbledore: It wasn't me. Hey blood is dripping from this ceiling, lemme just take some off your forehead and lick it a little. Mmmm...kraken's blood. Look, that La-Z-Boy is breathing. Must be alive or some shit. [pokes it with stick]
Chair: I'm really a person, pretty cool, huh? I'm fat so it came naturally [sic]. Oh yeah I'm the new potions guy at school.
[Dumbledore talks with Harry about how hot that chick at the train station was and it sucks that he's not going back there to see her now either (yes that really happens, he even does this creepy "mmmmmm" thing in the middle too)]
[meanwhile in London, people look out their windows as if thunderstorms are new to them]
Common people: Look at that odd, skull shaped cloud in the sky breathing smaller, darker, fast-moving, sentient clouds. Let's just look and act like everything's normal.
[clouds are actually people, they kidnap some guy and blow up a bar, then destroy a bridge covered in people]
Common people: Oh well, that wasn't strange. Back to work. Dum-de-dum.
[meanwhile at Hogwarts]
Chair-man: Whoever makes a legitimate death-potion first in a large enough quantity to apparently destroy the universe wins this tiny vial of luck potion.
[children scramble unsuccessfully to kill themselves]
Potter: Cool, this book has all the answers in it, and apparently used to belong to the "Half-Blood Prince" which apparently isn't ominous to me despite that being the subtext of the name of the movie...
Malfoy: I'm going to go be suspicious-like.
Potter: I'm gonna follow you.
[Malfoy enters bathroom, washes face]
Potter: I knew you were up to no good!
Malfoy: He was referring to my face-washing but apparently I'm found out! It's true! I'm the dark lord's chosen one!
Potter: To arms, then!
Malfoy: To arms!
[both boys shoot moth balls and sugar cubes at each other from their wands, destroying the boys' lavatory for the 6th movie in a row, Harry Potter says some latin shit and suddenly Malfoy is rendered unconscious in a pool of toilet water and blood. Hooray plot.]
[more time passes]
Dumbledore: Harry, I want you to pour this golden vial into that floating dog water dish and stick your face in it. It is a memory or something, I forget. Anyways, it shows you the first time I met Voldemort.
[he does as instructed, wakes up confused]
Dumbledore: Now how about this one? [hands him another]
Potter: The sound gets all yucky in the middle, what the hell?
Dumbledore: That's because the chair-man tampered with it, which makes sense since it's his memory. Now go find out what the real memory is and bring it back here.
[Harry drinks a good luck potion and goes outside to find Hagrid, the chair man decides to come along for the ride]
Hagrid: Remember that spider that tried to eat you two movies ago, Harry? Well, as it turns out he's my best friend, and he just died. Look, he's in that weird ball shape spiders go into when they want to be dead.
Harry: Yeah, whatever.
Chair-man: Let's go to Hagrid's place and get drunk.
Harry: No thanks, I'll just sit off to the side and be awkward.
Hagrid: I'm drunk now, night.
Chair-man: He, I'm gonna give you my memory that I clearly didn't want you to see in the first place, and I'll even place it in the dream jar or whatever the fuck the memory holder things are called that I conveniently had in my back pocket and somehow didn't get crushed under my fat ass.
[more time passes again]
Dumbledore: Harry, we're going to a secret room. Don't tell anyone, it' perfectly safe despite my being played by a gay man.
[they teleport to some island, presumably the one from LOST]
Dumbledore: I cut my hand at you, caves! [rubs blood on cave walls, the crumble and reveal a chamber made entirely of crystal with an odd lake in the middle]
Potter: I'm not questioning any of this whatsoever.
[Dumbledore uses the force to lift a chain from the water, they go to a crystal island in the middle of the chamber]
Dumbledore: This is full of some sort of potion that has do be drunk up in order to reveal the secret piece of jewelry at the bottom. It could kill me, but you have to force me to drink it all no matter what.
Potter: Okay, now that that's over and you're in excruciating pain and begging for water, I'll ignore the lake surrounding us and use a magic spell to create water. Oh no, the water isn't staying in this seashell I'm using to hold water. Better use the lake
[Gollum reaches out and grabs his arm]
Potter: Oh noes!
[an army of around 400 to 500 Gollums begin to crawl out of the water and attack them]
Potter: I'm apparently too weak to fight them off! [falls into water, dragged to bottom]
Potter: Glub glub!
[Dumbledore casts Firaga and turns into Gandalf at the same time,despite apparently being in much excruciating pain and dehydrated, no more words can express the badassery present in this scene]
Dumbledore: That was close and my beard flows in the subterranean winds here.
[they return to Hogwarts, where Malfoy, some emo chick and Snape are waiting for them]
Dumbledore: Run, Harry!
Malfoy: Any last words?
Dumbledore: If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could ever imagine.
[stunned, Malfoy lowers his wand, since a movie like this isn't good enough for dialogue of that caliber]
Snape: Poof your dead [sic].
[Dumbledore falls off a high balcony into the courtyard and dies]
Potter: Oh noes! He trusted you!
[Snape deflects all of Harry's following attacks and knocks him over out of breath]
Snape: Muhahaha I AM the Half-Blood Prince! Also all those spells you tried to use on me were mine. Word to the wise, fuck you.
[Snape goes to "kick him while he's down" but instead nudges his wand out of his hand into the grass]
Snape: Ah-hah! Take that!
[Harry gets up, pronounces Dumbledore dead, and returns to the top of the tower. Movie ends]
Yeah, that's it. It ended there. What the fuck.
And yes, only one fight scene longer than 5 seconds and it took place in a restroom.
[movie opens, Harry Potter is reading a newspaper in a subway station]
Hot chick: Hey who's Harry Potter? He seems famous.
Potter: Not me. I'm obviously too awkward to accept the fact you're blatantly hitting on me.
Hot chick: Uh-huh, I'm gonna go be over here.
Potter: When do you get off work?
Hot chick: 11, see you then?
Potter: I'm awkward. [looks at platform, sees Dumbledore, goes to him, takes 3 hours in movie time (3 seconds in real time) to get across the platform]
Dumbledore: Come with me.
Hot chick: I'm too blind to notice that cool/awkward/oblivious kid is right over there, guess I'll look around like I'm disappointed or something.
[Dumbledore and Harry teleport to some place, I have no idea where anymore]
Harry: This place is all fucked up. What the hell did you do?
Dumbledore: It wasn't me. Hey blood is dripping from this ceiling, lemme just take some off your forehead and lick it a little. Mmmm...kraken's blood. Look, that La-Z-Boy is breathing. Must be alive or some shit. [pokes it with stick]
Chair: I'm really a person, pretty cool, huh? I'm fat so it came naturally [sic]. Oh yeah I'm the new potions guy at school.
[Dumbledore talks with Harry about how hot that chick at the train station was and it sucks that he's not going back there to see her now either (yes that really happens, he even does this creepy "mmmmmm" thing in the middle too)]
[meanwhile in London, people look out their windows as if thunderstorms are new to them]
Common people: Look at that odd, skull shaped cloud in the sky breathing smaller, darker, fast-moving, sentient clouds. Let's just look and act like everything's normal.
[clouds are actually people, they kidnap some guy and blow up a bar, then destroy a bridge covered in people]
Common people: Oh well, that wasn't strange. Back to work. Dum-de-dum.
[meanwhile at Hogwarts]
Chair-man: Whoever makes a legitimate death-potion first in a large enough quantity to apparently destroy the universe wins this tiny vial of luck potion.
[children scramble unsuccessfully to kill themselves]
Potter: Cool, this book has all the answers in it, and apparently used to belong to the "Half-Blood Prince" which apparently isn't ominous to me despite that being the subtext of the name of the movie...
Malfoy: I'm going to go be suspicious-like.
Potter: I'm gonna follow you.
[Malfoy enters bathroom, washes face]
Potter: I knew you were up to no good!
Malfoy: He was referring to my face-washing but apparently I'm found out! It's true! I'm the dark lord's chosen one!
Potter: To arms, then!
Malfoy: To arms!
[both boys shoot moth balls and sugar cubes at each other from their wands, destroying the boys' lavatory for the 6th movie in a row, Harry Potter says some latin shit and suddenly Malfoy is rendered unconscious in a pool of toilet water and blood. Hooray plot.]
[more time passes]
Dumbledore: Harry, I want you to pour this golden vial into that floating dog water dish and stick your face in it. It is a memory or something, I forget. Anyways, it shows you the first time I met Voldemort.
[he does as instructed, wakes up confused]
Dumbledore: Now how about this one? [hands him another]
Potter: The sound gets all yucky in the middle, what the hell?
Dumbledore: That's because the chair-man tampered with it, which makes sense since it's his memory. Now go find out what the real memory is and bring it back here.
[Harry drinks a good luck potion and goes outside to find Hagrid, the chair man decides to come along for the ride]
Hagrid: Remember that spider that tried to eat you two movies ago, Harry? Well, as it turns out he's my best friend, and he just died. Look, he's in that weird ball shape spiders go into when they want to be dead.
Harry: Yeah, whatever.
Chair-man: Let's go to Hagrid's place and get drunk.
Harry: No thanks, I'll just sit off to the side and be awkward.
Hagrid: I'm drunk now, night.
Chair-man: He, I'm gonna give you my memory that I clearly didn't want you to see in the first place, and I'll even place it in the dream jar or whatever the fuck the memory holder things are called that I conveniently had in my back pocket and somehow didn't get crushed under my fat ass.
[more time passes again]
Dumbledore: Harry, we're going to a secret room. Don't tell anyone, it' perfectly safe despite my being played by a gay man.
[they teleport to some island, presumably the one from LOST]
Dumbledore: I cut my hand at you, caves! [rubs blood on cave walls, the crumble and reveal a chamber made entirely of crystal with an odd lake in the middle]
Potter: I'm not questioning any of this whatsoever.
[Dumbledore uses the force to lift a chain from the water, they go to a crystal island in the middle of the chamber]
Dumbledore: This is full of some sort of potion that has do be drunk up in order to reveal the secret piece of jewelry at the bottom. It could kill me, but you have to force me to drink it all no matter what.
Potter: Okay, now that that's over and you're in excruciating pain and begging for water, I'll ignore the lake surrounding us and use a magic spell to create water. Oh no, the water isn't staying in this seashell I'm using to hold water. Better use the lake
[Gollum reaches out and grabs his arm]
Potter: Oh noes!
[an army of around 400 to 500 Gollums begin to crawl out of the water and attack them]
Potter: I'm apparently too weak to fight them off! [falls into water, dragged to bottom]
Potter: Glub glub!
[Dumbledore casts Firaga and turns into Gandalf at the same time,despite apparently being in much excruciating pain and dehydrated, no more words can express the badassery present in this scene]
Dumbledore: That was close and my beard flows in the subterranean winds here.
[they return to Hogwarts, where Malfoy, some emo chick and Snape are waiting for them]
Dumbledore: Run, Harry!
Malfoy: Any last words?
Dumbledore: If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could ever imagine.
[stunned, Malfoy lowers his wand, since a movie like this isn't good enough for dialogue of that caliber]
Snape: Poof your dead [sic].
[Dumbledore falls off a high balcony into the courtyard and dies]
Potter: Oh noes! He trusted you!
[Snape deflects all of Harry's following attacks and knocks him over out of breath]
Snape: Muhahaha I AM the Half-Blood Prince! Also all those spells you tried to use on me were mine. Word to the wise, fuck you.
[Snape goes to "kick him while he's down" but instead nudges his wand out of his hand into the grass]
Snape: Ah-hah! Take that!
[Harry gets up, pronounces Dumbledore dead, and returns to the top of the tower. Movie ends]
Yeah, that's it. It ended there. What the fuck.
And yes, only one fight scene longer than 5 seconds and it took place in a restroom.
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