Live Free or Die Hard: Magnolia's Dessert Tray

[Movie opens. Shots of people typing a lot. Some computer jargon is exchanged over the phone. Suddenly we realize that there is no longer a standard for action movies. The fast-paced music in the background keeps up with the rapid typing of hackers. Flash to people playing Gears of War, a computer explodes because someone hit control-alt-delete. Wait, what? Flash to Rutgers University]

Lucy McClane: Hey sort of boyfriend, stop touching my boobs.

Sort of boyfriend: But I want to touch boobies.

Bruce Willis: [rips off door of car] She said no.

Lucy: Dad!

Sort of boyfriend: What?

Lucy: *scoffs* I'm leaving until the end of the movie! [leaves]

Sort of boyfriend: I don't have any more lines in this movie. [gets in car]

[Bruce Willis gets back in his car, gets a call on the police scanner]

Chief: Hey go pick up the Mac kid from those commercials, the Feds want him. We know where you are because we lojacked your car. Also, why are you at Rutgers? And more importantly why is your daughter still in school on the 4th of July?

Bruce Willis: Lojack? That's not something I would turn on, who turned that on?

Chief: God you're a moron. Pick up the Mac kid and bring him to DC.

Bruce Willis: What's a Mac?

[switch to the Mac kid listening to bad music and instant messaging someone. Suddenly his computer locks up, so, it being a Linux system, he naturally reaches for control-alt-delete. Computer-literate people everywhere weep a little bit. Knock on door stops him from hitting delete and blowing himself up]

Mac: Who is it?

Bruce Willis: NYPD. Fuck you.

Mac: [opens door] Haha, you don't look like NYPD. You a lost guy or something? [Bruce Willis flashes ID] That looks like you bought it at Toys R Us. [Bruce Willis flashes gun] That looks pretty real. Come in.

Bruce Willis: [picks up action figure] You play with dolls? [breaks it] Oops.

[outside, a bunch of tough guys speaking French get out guns. The plot holes are building up, and we're only 3 minutes in. They shoot up the apartment, Bruce Willis kills them, a Terminator action figure falls on the keyboard and hits the delete key, blowing up the apartment. Cool. Willis and Mac kid get in the car and drive to DC. they arrive in DC. Switch to FBI building]

Cliff Curtis: We dun got hacked. Dayum. [antrax alarm goes off.] Oh snap! Everyone to the outsides! I'm playing a black guy in this role. [goes outside, gets in the FBI Mobile Command Center. Bruce Willis shows up]

Bruce Willis: Blah blah blah police business make fun of bald people blah blah waffle.

Cliff Curtis: Cool, we'll escort you someplace. Go get in that car there.

[they get in the car. It starts driving and after a couple minutes of nothing happening the Mac kid recognizes the voice of the chick that told him to hack for the bad guys at the beginning of the movie. Turns out she is impersonating the dispatcher for DCPD and leading them into a trap]

Mac: It's a trap!

Bruce Willis: [picks up radio handset] Hey dispatch you having a rough day? Must be crazy out there with all those 587's? (actual line)

Chick: Yes, we had to dispatch all units (actual line)

Bruce Willis: Wow, went through a lot of trouble for all those naked people walking around. (actual line) [they start driving in a different direction, a helicopter shoots at them, they enter a tunnel that's supposed to be closed]

Bad guy: Open the tunnel, all lanes. Make every lane go both directions.

Assistant: What? Is that even physics?

[bad guy opens the tunnel from both directions in every lane. People drive in all lanes in both directions. He turns the lights off.]

Bruce Willis: Crapshitfuckdammit

[lots of crashing happens, Bruce Willis gets in a car and drives it real fast and hits a toll booth at one end of the tunnel, catapulting the car into the air, hitting the bad guy helicopter hovering nearby]

Mac: You just blew up a helicopter with a car! I think that was cool and such!

Bruce Willis: I was out of bullets. (actual line) Let's walk to a cafe. [steals some guy's phone and calls Cliff Curtis, is interrupted by the news showing a video of the Capital Building blowing up. Turns out it was a fake. The cell network dies.]

Mac: This is a firesale. Take out everything at once because it's all run by computers now. The world then dies. Yays? Oh by the way if we go to West Virginia that's where ALL OF THE POWER for the EASTERN SEABOARD is controlled, so they're going to be there to turn it all off at once and fuck shit up.

Bruce Willis: Let's go to Virginia.

Mac: But I'm hungry. Can't the world wait?

Bruce Willis: Fuck you we're here.

[the chick from earlier is hacking the system, they stop her. epic fight scene ends in Bruce Willis running her over with an SUV and dropping her down an elevator shaft and then the SUV falls on top of her. Then everything blows up by remote, effectively cutting the power. Wait, if they could do that why did the bad guys bother coming to do it manually? Anyways, Mac and Willis get in a helicopter]

Mac: Let's go see Warlock. He's this guy somewhere. Here, we'll use the bad guy helicopter that somehow survived this natural gas power plant blowing up underneath where it landed. Wait, can you fly?

Bruce Willis: We're here.

Warlock: I'm the classic movie nerd. Fat, greasy, short, paranoid, lots of action figures, big computer, and an old CB radio to top it all off. My radio frequency is 66.6, just in case the world ends suddenly. Also, hate cops and think the basement I live in under my mom's house is called a command center. Darn I spilled my bugles all over the floor. Okay I helped in some way.

Bad guy: [pulls up video chat with Warlock's computer, shows Bruce Willis he has his daughter hostage. Willis gets pissed and leaves, determined to get his daughter back]

Bruce Willis: I have no idea where I'm going, but I know it's called "Woodlawn". Any schmo on the street should know where that is, right? No wait, we're here. Somehow we were able to drive right past all the security posted everywhere and sneak through the vents.

Bad guy: A breach in the vents? There are sensors for that? Go get them, I assume it's Willis and not a badger or something.

Mac: Hey, cooling towers. Meaning I can hack these fans. I set off an alarm. Yay?

NSA guy: Alarms at Woodlawn!

Cliff Curtis: What's Woodlawn?

NSA: Above your paygrade. But if you must know, the current bad guy designed it for us. It backs up all of the word's financial data to 3 servers in case something like this were to happen. Oh yeah, and we left everything exactly as he designed it after we fired him and got him all mad, because after he hacked the NSA and shut down NORAD we thought he was too dumb to try and pull this off.

Cliff Curtis: You're dumb.

Bad guy: [gets on walkie with henchman] Go kill Bruce Willis. He's in cooling tower number 1.

Henchamn: Oy.

Mac: Oh no, a henchman!

Henchamn: You're coming with my accent. Now, come on!

Other henchman: I get money if I kill Bruce Willis! [goes to find Bruce Willis. fight scene over a fan during which Bruce Willis uses the word "hamster" to describe a person moving erratically. All of a sudden the henchamn falls into the fan. Willis walks away and goes outside to see the bad guys leaving in two vehicles, a Hazmat van followed by a big rig truck. He jumps on the truck and kills the driver]

Bad guy: This guy won't quit. Let's tell this F-35 that was "in the neighborhood" to kill him. Send him the go codes and tell him to kill Bruce Willis.

[chase scene between F-35 and truck. Willis drives up an obnoxiously long spiral on-ramp to a bridge, with the jet shooting out the supports behind him, like a responsible fighter pilot on American soil. The whole thing collapses, and the truck catches at an unfortunate angle directly above the fighter. Bruce Willis falls to the back and out the door, and onto the plane]

Fighter Pilot: Oh no, Bruce Willis is on me! Eject, eject! [ejects]

[the jet goes into autorotation, Bruce Willis jumps off onto a fallen piece of the bridge, just in time for the plane to explode above him. Cut to pointless 1-second shot of the pilot landing safely in a nearby parking lot]

Bruce Willis: Despite not following the van for the last 7 minutes, I know somehow that they have only just arrived at that warehouse just around the corner that I can see from here underneath this debris. Now to stop them. [enters warehouse] Stop, thie-gah! [is shot multiple times, falls over]

Bad guy: Haha, you fell down. Also, as soon as Mac kid unlocks this computer, which will apparently take 10 seconds, I'm killing him and your daughter. Then you. That way you get to watch me kill them. [picks him up, holds gun to his head]

Mac: Hey, I need 10 seconds. But you already said that. Hah.

Bad guy: You know, Bruce, they should make your tombstone say something about how much you suck at being in places that make you not be involved with this kind of thing. That was a long line. [puts gun in a bullet wound on Willis's shoulder]

Bruce Willis: I was thinking something along the line of YIPPIE KIYAY MOTHERFUCKER [pulls trigger, shooting the bad guy in the heart through his shoulder]

Mac: [points gun at last remaining henchman] BLAM BLAM BLAM BANG BANG KAPLOOIE! [shoots henchman a couple times]

[FBI finally shows up with about 30 SWAT guys. Where the hell were they the rest of this movie? Cut to everyone in abulances]

Lucy: You know, dad, you shot yourself.

Bruce Willis: Don't tell no one. It's a super duper secret. Also it'll make me look insane, not that I'm not, I just don't like reinforcing that fact.

[movie finally ends. 2 more hours you will never, ever get back, but it might be worth it to watch a geeky kid stare gape-jawed at Bruce Willis shooting things and driving cars into flying vehicles]