Transformers 2: The Slashfic Continues

Movie starts
Optimus: The Autobots and humans have an alliance and we fight the remaining Deceptecons on Earth and junk, yadda yadda yadda [flash forward to top secret military base]
Asshole from Pentagon: You guys have a piece of the Allspark!
Deceptecon: I'll take that [goes to bottom of ocean] Here, supreme leader! [inserts shard of something into Megatron]
Megatron: Grr humans blablabla you betrayed me Starscream! [walks up to what appears to be a metallic Deathclaw sitting in a chair] Hey dude what's up
Deathclaw: Find Shia LeBeouf and kill him [audience cheers]

Back on Earth, TheBeef is at college after breaking everyone's heart and leaving Megan Fox and Bumblebee at home 3,000 miles away
TheBeef: Hey you're my roommate
Roommate: Hey I'm going to be your obnoxious sidekick, ok? Also, check out this video of alien robots!
TheBeef: I don't secretly have anything to do with this.
Roommate: Cool, hey look at that hot chick
TheBeef: [speaks in cybertron language and writes some crap all over the room]
Hot Chick: You're hot I want you now [locks roommate out of room, turns into robot, Terminator fans die a little inside]
Megan Fox: I'm breaking up with you because robots (?)
TheBeef: Run!
[another chase scene reminds us that this is Bay's version of the podrace, and we all try to kill ourselves as the one song on the soundtrack plays for the thirtieth time since the movie began]

Roommate: I'm more annoying and awkward than TheBeef!
Opimus Prime: I'm dead, go away.
Roommate: OK.
Simmons: I hate you [tazers him]
Jet from Smithsonian: I was a Decepticon but now I'm not. Let's go to Egypt [transports them to Egypt, TheBeef flies off into the distance and breaks his hand (yay!)]
Simmons: Bring Optimus's body to the Red Sea.
Army: Okay, that's not suspicious [Optimus's body falls from the sky as Egyptians look on in confused terror]
Megatron: We found TheBeef! Everyone gang up on him! [large firefight ensues]
Simmons: Use a railgun on the pyramids
Army: OK [baysplosions]
Simmons: I'm good [switch to 3 minute sequence of Megan Fox running in slow motion in a skimpy shirt]

TheBeef: This sock has the last hope for Optimus to live inside it! [large explosions behind him throw him into an exploding car, he dies, audience applauds, Megan Fox cries]
Deathclaw that's apparently not the same as Megatron's buddy: TheBeef, you died to save Prime. Have this novelty knife thing. It'll bring Optimus back better than your sweaty gym socks. [sock disintegrates, replaced by the Scion symbol]
TheBeef: I'm not dead anymore! [stabs Optimus with Scion logo]
Optimus: Me either!
Jet from Smithsonian: You'll never defeat the deathclaw without this [rips out heart and gives to Prime]
Optimus: Cool, now I have wings! [kills all the bad guys]

Megatron and Starscream: Let's go [fly away]
Optimus Prime: I'll let them go because there's no possible way that they would ever come back again. [end movie]