I know that I did this way back during the summer, but to kick off my new blog I decided to move my content from Facebook to here. Feel free to click the ads on the page, I get paid when you do.
[movie opens, Harry Potter is reading a newspaper in a subway station]
Hot chick: Hey who's Harry Potter? He seems famous.
Potter: Not me. I'm obviously too awkward to accept the fact you're blatantly hitting on me.
Hot chick: Uh-huh, I'm gonna go be over here.
Potter: When do you get off work?
Hot chick: 11, see you then?
Potter: I'm awkward. [looks at platform, sees Dumbledore, goes to him, takes 3 hours in movie time (3 seconds in real time) to get across the platform]
Dumbledore: Come with me.
Hot chick: I'm too blind to notice that cool/awkward/oblivious kid is right over there, guess I'll look around like I'm disappointed or something.
[Dumbledore and Harry teleport to some place, I have no idea where anymore]
Harry: This place is all fucked up. What the hell did you do?
Dumbledore: It wasn't me. Hey blood is dripping from this ceiling, lemme just take some off your forehead and lick it a little. Mmmm...kraken's blood. Look, that La-Z-Boy is breathing. Must be alive or some shit. [pokes it with stick]
Chair: I'm really a person, pretty cool, huh? I'm fat so it came naturally [sic]. Oh yeah I'm the new potions guy at school.
[Dumbledore talks with Harry about how hot that chick at the train station was and it sucks that he's not going back there to see her now either (yes that really happens, he even does this creepy "mmmmmm" thing in the middle too)]
[meanwhile in London, people look out their windows as if thunderstorms are new to them]
Common people: Look at that odd, skull shaped cloud in the sky breathing smaller, darker, fast-moving, sentient clouds. Let's just look and act like everything's normal.
[clouds are actually people, they kidnap some guy and blow up a bar, then destroy a bridge covered in people]
Common people: Oh well, that wasn't strange. Back to work. Dum-de-dum.
[meanwhile at Hogwarts]
Chair-man: Whoever makes a legitimate death-potion first in a large enough quantity to apparently destroy the universe wins this tiny vial of luck potion.
[children scramble unsuccessfully to kill themselves]
Potter: Cool, this book has all the answers in it, and apparently used to belong to the "Half-Blood Prince" which apparently isn't ominous to me despite that being the subtext of the name of the movie...
Malfoy: I'm going to go be suspicious-like.
Potter: I'm gonna follow you.
[Malfoy enters bathroom, washes face]
Potter: I knew you were up to no good!
Malfoy: He was referring to my face-washing but apparently I'm found out! It's true! I'm the dark lord's chosen one!
Potter: To arms, then!
Malfoy: To arms!
[both boys shoot moth balls and sugar cubes at each other from their wands, destroying the boys' lavatory for the 6th movie in a row, Harry Potter says some latin shit and suddenly Malfoy is rendered unconscious in a pool of toilet water and blood. Hooray plot.]
[more time passes]
Dumbledore: Harry, I want you to pour this golden vial into that floating dog water dish and stick your face in it. It is a memory or something, I forget. Anyways, it shows you the first time I met Voldemort.
[he does as instructed, wakes up confused]
Dumbledore: Now how about this one? [hands him another]
Potter: The sound gets all yucky in the middle, what the hell?
Dumbledore: That's because the chair-man tampered with it, which makes sense since it's his memory. Now go find out what the real memory is and bring it back here.
[Harry drinks a good luck potion and goes outside to find Hagrid, the chair man decides to come along for the ride]
Hagrid: Remember that spider that tried to eat you two movies ago, Harry? Well, as it turns out he's my best friend, and he just died. Look, he's in that weird ball shape spiders go into when they want to be dead.
Harry: Yeah, whatever.
Chair-man: Let's go to Hagrid's place and get drunk.
Harry: No thanks, I'll just sit off to the side and be awkward.
Hagrid: I'm drunk now, night.
Chair-man: He, I'm gonna give you my memory that I clearly didn't want you to see in the first place, and I'll even place it in the dream jar or whatever the fuck the memory holder things are called that I conveniently had in my back pocket and somehow didn't get crushed under my fat ass.
[more time passes again]
Dumbledore: Harry, we're going to a secret room. Don't tell anyone, it' perfectly safe despite my being played by a gay man.
[they teleport to some island, presumably the one from LOST]
Dumbledore: I cut my hand at you, caves! [rubs blood on cave walls, the crumble and reveal a chamber made entirely of crystal with an odd lake in the middle]
Potter: I'm not questioning any of this whatsoever.
[Dumbledore uses the force to lift a chain from the water, they go to a crystal island in the middle of the chamber]
Dumbledore: This is full of some sort of potion that has do be drunk up in order to reveal the secret piece of jewelry at the bottom. It could kill me, but you have to force me to drink it all no matter what.
Potter: Okay, now that that's over and you're in excruciating pain and begging for water, I'll ignore the lake surrounding us and use a magic spell to create water. Oh no, the water isn't staying in this seashell I'm using to hold water. Better use the lake
[Gollum reaches out and grabs his arm]
Potter: Oh noes!
[an army of around 400 to 500 Gollums begin to crawl out of the water and attack them]
Potter: I'm apparently too weak to fight them off! [falls into water, dragged to bottom]
Potter: Glub glub!
[Dumbledore casts Firaga and turns into Gandalf at the same time,despite apparently being in much excruciating pain and dehydrated, no more words can express the badassery present in this scene]
Dumbledore: That was close and my beard flows in the subterranean winds here.
[they return to Hogwarts, where Malfoy, some emo chick and Snape are waiting for them]
Dumbledore: Run, Harry!
Malfoy: Any last words?
Dumbledore: If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could ever imagine.
[stunned, Malfoy lowers his wand, since a movie like this isn't good enough for dialogue of that caliber]
Snape: Poof your dead [sic].
[Dumbledore falls off a high balcony into the courtyard and dies]
Potter: Oh noes! He trusted you!
[Snape deflects all of Harry's following attacks and knocks him over out of breath]
Snape: Muhahaha I AM the Half-Blood Prince! Also all those spells you tried to use on me were mine. Word to the wise, fuck you.
[Snape goes to "kick him while he's down" but instead nudges his wand out of his hand into the grass]
Snape: Ah-hah! Take that!
[Harry gets up, pronounces Dumbledore dead, and returns to the top of the tower. Movie ends]
Yeah, that's it. It ended there. What the fuck.
And yes, only one fight scene longer than 5 seconds and it took place in a restroom.
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