In a nutshell. Don't say I didn't warn you beforehand.
Sully: My name's Jake Sully, my brother whose name starts with a 'T' but will only be mentioned twice in the film as backstory filler so no one will actually remember it, was a scientist, or something like that. He trained for 5 years to be part of a program on this planet Pandora where he would pilot an Avatar (no, not Aang), a Smurf-like creature that walks around naked, has no wang, has 2 tails, one on his head and one that's quasi-normal, and is made by fusing the DNA of the Pandoran natives, the Na'vi [at this point the audience drifts into a coma, realizing that Na'vi is close to Navy, and suddenly Village People starts playing in their heads. Fuck. The audience wakes back up in time to find out that...] I'm now taking my brother's place in this extremely complicated experiment, because he's my twin who was shot in a mugging, and therefore I'm the only other person in the universe that can pilot his Avatar, except I have no training in it nor any scientific background (seriously, what the FUCK are the odds of that) but I'm going to give it a shot anyways. Also, I'm paralyzed. But this is space.
[he wakes up from his space nap 5 years after his trip began, and looks at water droplets combining in front of him. This is only cool if you're watching it in 3D, because then you get to see the water come toward your goddamn face. He leaves his space bed-coffin and goes to his locker. In 3D you feel like you're falling. Better get used to this now, kiddos, because there's a fuckton of this feeling!]
Sully: I'm doing things. Now I'm on a space shuttle that looks like the bastard child of an Albatross and the shuttle Challenger.
Guy we never meet again: Hey! Put these masks on! If you don't the atmosphere will kill you, or something. Look we landed, get the fuck off my plane! And Jerry, remember to bring your python with you when you get off this time!
[everyone exits the plane. Sully says something about being a Former Marine and why it's called Former and not ex, but we already knew why so this is really just filler. He exits the plane slower than everyone else because he's in a wheelchair. People make some playground jokes at his expense. He nearly gets run over because of his disability and the audience laughs inside. Suddenly we're inside the base where Colonel Badass Guy is giving a speech about the dangers of Pandora]
Colonel Badass Guy (hereto referred to as Colonel): This place is dangerous and stuff. My job is to keep you all alive but I promise you it won't happen. So you have to keep yourselves alive. The natives have poison tipped arrows that will kill you in under a minute. Also their bones are made of naturally occurring carbon fiber so they're pretty hard to kill [what the fuck? Naturally ocurring carbon fiber bones? Is that even possible, even in a sci-fi film? Even for Cameron, that's pretty convenient.] The flying things [for the sake of my own sanity, I'm calling them Hawks] we have are big, but the birds on this planet are even fucking bigger, so watch out for them. And everything here that eats, breathes, and squats in the mud wants to eat you and suck out your guts.
Sully: [just arriving because of his debilitating inability to use the wheelchair he's been used to for 8 years] Ah, nothing like a good-ol' scare-talk for the newbs. Sometimes I miss those things. Then I, you know, find out that I can't sleep because of it and I decide I don't miss them as much anymore. I'm gonna go meet my new boss.
[on his way to meet his new boss, his new colleague, Cooter Davenport, says howdy and mentions how much Jake looks just like his brother, whose name the audience forgot already. They arrive in the lab just in time for the day's Avatar pilots to exit their pod-things]
Sigourney Weaver: I'm bitchy in this scene so thei audience thinks I'm the bad guy right now. I'm the boss, and someone took my cigarettes. I need those. [Jake rolls up] Oh hi.
Sully: Hi. I'm a cripple. Did you notice from the wheelchair? I'm in a wheelchair. It has wheels and stuff. I have no clue how it works because I have no grasp on science whatsoever.
Weaver: I need a scientist, not a flesh pile on wheels.
Sully: My brother was killed. Sorry if that's an inconvenience.
Cooter: Ignore her. [Weaver walks out, storms into the control room where the head honcho, Wade (the medic from Saving Private Ryan) is playing golf on the floor, which somehow hasn't been advanced in any way in the last 300 years, despite everything being operated via holographic touchscreens now]
Weaver: Hey, who's this meathead in the wheelchair?
Wade: He's the twin of the guy you need. It's pretty lucky for us the guy had a twin, considering if he didn't we'd be out 50 million dollars or so and this movie wouldn't have a plot. Stop being a bitch to me and go figure out if you can use him. Also, the whole reason we're here is the Unobtanium. Un-ob-fucking-tanium! Now get to work!
[meanwhile, back in the lab, Sully and Cooter are inspecting their new Avatars, who are 12 feet tall and very naked, yet for some reason wangless]
Weaver: Sully, how much science experience do you have?
Sully: I disected a frog in 8th grade. Is that a lot? I think it's a lot.
Weaver: Fuck you, you're dumb compared to me. Do you know anything about the Avatar thing?
Sully: They're big blue Smurfs with no wangs, that's about it. Oh and I read the instruction manual.
Weaver: No one reads the manuals. You're no help. Lay down in your pod-thing. Keep your head down. [he lifts his head] Down. DOWN. [closes pod] Christ.
[we see the teleportation sequence from Der Reise, and suddenly Sully wakes up as his Avatar in the exam room]
Doc: Hey, move slow. Do as I say. [Sully gets up and leaves. He enjoys using his legs for the first time in 8 years and runs outside. He interrupts a basketball game, a guard on patrol, and then runs into Sigourney Weaver in the woods, who hands him a grape the size of Tor Johnson's left thigh. He bites in and enjoys it. Suddenly she smiles, and the audience is met with both confusion (she was Ripley, after all, she isn't supposed to be capable of smiling) and anxiety. Suddenly everyone is laying down in their cots, and Weaver says something about food as she turns off the lights. Sully wakes up and is disappointed at the fact that he's paralyzed again]
Sully: [sitting in front of a camera, talking about his daily exploits as a gigantic, no longer paralyzed Smurf with no wang] Do I have to do this video log now? I can't do it in the morning? Or after I eat?
Weaver: No food for you until you finish your homework. You have to get used to doing these while they're fresh in your memory.
[Sully keeps talking about it and suddenly the next day begins, and he's rolling through the hangar with Rain (Resident Evil) who is talking about herself]
Rain: I'm your new pilot. My gunner was supposed to escort us, but he called out with a case of the deads. You wanna be the new gunner? It'll guarantee that you get to where you need to be for when the plot advances later.
Sully: Your voice is like music when you ask me this.
Rain: Cool. Be here at 0800.
[the next day begins with Sully, Cooter and Weaver's Avatars on a Hawk flying over the forests of Pandora, and Rain in the front. Sully looks around in awe, then lets out a "woo-hoo!", as is customary when flying across a new planet. Rain looks at him and lets out a laugh. They land, the three Avatars and a human get out.]
Weaver: Puny human, stay here, one goon with a gun is bad enough [referring to Sully, since Cooter's been established as too weak a character to pose any real threat to anyone]
Sully: [walking around, pointing his gun the size of a newborn giraffe's neck at everything that eats, breathes, or squats in the mud, remembering clearly Colonel Badass's words of wisdom] How dangerous is this place? [points gun at six-armed blue monkeys swinging through the trees looking at him with eyes as big as a squid's but with the innocent look of a puppy]
Weaver: Relax, they're harmless. Most of the things on this planet don't attack unless confronted.
Cooter: [looking at a device in his hand that displays, somehow, the exact structure of all the plants near the one he is probing] Incredible.
Weaver: [grinning] Yup. This planet is very advanced in the species development.
[Sully wanders off, probably wishing there was something he could shoot because listening to the geeks was painfully boring. He finds some odd looking funnel mushroom things and touches one, which offers a 3D effect as the camera watches from above as it folds up and shoots into the ground. He proceeds to do the same to 3 more, then the rest finally just shoot into the ground on their own, revealing a large beast which may be Cameron's idea of what the combination of a hammerhead shark and a rhinoceros might look like, which roars and stares menacingly at him]
"Get off my lawn!"
Sully: What the fuck?
Weaver: Don't run. It's territorial. Stand your ground or it will kill you. Also if you shoot it'll do nothing. That hammer thing is carbon fiber, or something. It's hard to kill.
Sully: Uh...alright. But what if it kills me anyw-fuck! [the rhino thing charges at him, so he charges at it while yelling at it] AHHHHHHHHH! (translation: shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit I hope this works) [it works. he proceeds to yell obsceneties at it and call it a n00b. the legions of other rhinos that were there the whole time and did nothing turn and run away from the large beaked panther thing behind him]
"YOU LOOK LIKE FOOD!"
Sully: [turns around] What about this thing?
Weaver: [urgently] That one you should run from.
[he runs away, shooting behind him at the Thanator (don't ask, that's what they called it. It's not my fault it sounds like it should have its tighty whiteys pulled past its forehead) as it chases him through the brush. He hides under the roots of a large tree, which serve no protection as the large beast bites through it faster than a teething puppy chews through electrical cords. He narrowly escapes only to have it bite his rucksack and wave him around like a ragdoll until he unhooks himself. He gets to his feet and sees an opening in the distance and runs for it. Oh shit, it's a cliff. He jumps and falls roughly 900 feet into the river below and is swept away. He gets ashore and looks around so nonchalantly you'd think he'd just walked past the security for the State Dinner at the White House. Above the forest, the team is trying to find him.]
Rain: I can't see him on the scope. It's getting dark out too, and the boss says we can't fly night missions. Sorry, he'll have to wait till morning.
Weaver: He won't make it that long. [they fly into the distance]
[it's night time. Strange sounds echo from the areas surrounding Jake as he wraps his jacket around a spear and rolls it in the sap of a tree, which somehow he knew also doubled as napalm (despite these being the qualities that make trees less likely to grow big and strong like daddy) He lights it on fire just in time to see the hordes of baby panther things that were closing in on him. He does a standoff with them as they circle him, and yells at them that he does not have all night. One attacks and a fight ensues. He manages to fight off 4 or 5 but then one tackles him and tries to bite his face. The audience roots for him to snap its neck like in Call of Duty, but after 30 seconds pass it is obvious he won't, for whatever reason. The audience loses faith and roots for the dog-panthers. Then Uhura's Avatar (well actually a native, but whatever) jumps in and shoots a bunch with arrows and scares off the rest. He tries to thank her but she yells at him and walks away. He follows her on to the branch of a tree hundreds of feet in the air and almost falls off, then dozens of giant dandelion seeds fly in and cover him. He swats at them as she tells him they are sacred seeds of her culture's god]
"Hey, they're like jellyfish, except they don't fight back."
Uhura: Woah, that's a sign. Or something. Come with me, even though you're an abomination shunned by my people.
[as they make ther way toward her home, they are ambushed by her tribe's hunters, led by Fenix Rise (Fast & Furious 4), the heir to the throne]
Fenix: You know the rules! No outsiders!
Uhura: There has been a sign.
Fenix: Alright, fine. Come with me. [they go inside the bottom of a huge tree, where Jake is brought to trial in front of the chief, Magua (Last of the Mohicans)]
Magua: You have brought this outsider here. Why have you broken our laws?
Uhura: Father, there has been a sign.
Sully: He's your father? Uh...nice to meet you sir. [holds out his hand, the tribe treats it as if Osama pointed a gun at a baby]
Magua: Our shaman will judge your worthiness. Bring out CCH Pounder!
CCH: [pokes him with needle, licks the blood off of it] Your name...what are you called?
Sully: I'm Jake Sully.
CCH: Jake Sully, what do you do where you are from?
Sully: I am a Marine...uh, a warrior, of the Jughead clan.
Magua: A warrior? We have seen no warrior dreamwalkers before. You will stay with us. Uhura will teach you our ways.
[they go to bed in crazy weird cocoon things hanging from the trees. Sully wakes up in the lab.]
Weaver: Thank god. Is your Avatar okay?
Sully: Yes. And you'll never believe where I am.
[the next day begins. He's in the hangar shooting the breeze with Rain as they walk toward a corner near large suit things]
Rain: Colonel Badass wants to talk to you. He's over there being awesome.
Colonel Badass being awesome.
Sully: Colonel, you wanted to see me?
Colonel: I understand you've made your way into the natives' home. It's good to have a recon man on the inside. Tell you what, you find out how to get them to move peacefully, or otherwise how to take them out quick, and I'll see to it you get your legs back.
Sully: Sounds good.
[the day with the tribe begins with him learning to ride a horse. Except the horse has 6 legs and makes raptor noises. It is at this time that the marketing crew would like to notify the audience the original title for this film was supposed to be "Jurassic Smurf". Have fun sleeping tonight.]
Like this, but less realistic. And chirping like a raptor.
Uhura: Plug your hair into this thing's tube ear thing. Then think go and it will move. [he does. He falls off into the mud]
Felix: You're dumb. Go be learn more better.
[Uhura takes him to the higher levels of the tree, holds out some banana thing and does a throaty bird call into the leaves. A Banshee (they named it, not me) flies down and eats the banana. She plugs her hair into its tube and flys away.]
"You got any rats? I'm not really a banana guy."
[more scenes of him trying to learn but failing ensue, providing the audience with a replay of the scenes of Luke training to be a Jedi with Yoda, but even more drawn out. Back in the real world, Sully is talking about how Weaver is on to him and the Colonel, so she's moving the team to the mountains. Flying mountains.]
Weaver: We're going to the mountains.
Cooter: The Haleluia Mountains? [happy as a popular girl watching the fat kids fall in the mud] Yay!
Sully: The...what? I can't believe Cameron named them that. Wait...the camera's rolling? Oh, well they'll edit that out later.
Cooter: You've never heard of the legendary flying mountains of Pandora?
Sully: I'd like to take this time to remind you that I'm not a scientist. I'd also like to remind you that mountains can't fly or hover, because there's a special thing called gravity.
[as they fly into the mountain range, the Hawk's instuments die]
Rain: The closer we get the more it messes with the instruments.
Cooter: Wait, so you have to fly manually? But you can't see! There's fog everywhere!
Rain: I know, right? Ain't that a bitch?
[they land at a small, quaint cottage made of steel shipping crates. They go inside and Weaver sets up the pods for use. She informs Sully he'll be using the one on the end, as it's got the least bugs to deal with]
Felix: [leading the trainee hunters to vines leading into the mountains] Today you'll be fighting getting your Banshees. This is a pivotal point in a hunter's life. A Banshee will only fly with one hunter in its life. Follow me. [climbs up the vines, jumps across some moving floating rocks, goes into a cave and comes out on the other side behind a waterfall, where Uhura flies in on her Banshee.
Uhura: I see you [don't ask, something about souls or something]
Felix: Yeah whatever. Jake Sully is going to go first. Remember, the Banshee has to choose you. The bond cannot be forced.
Sully: How do I know when he chooses me?
Uhura: He will try to kill you.
[Sully walks behind the waterfall to an outcropping on the side of the flying mountain. Here there are 30 or so Banshees, just chillin' and maxin' all cool and all. He pulls out a velcro vine rope thing from some pocket no one knows about (he's wearing a necklace and a loin cloth. Where was he keeping that thing rolled up?) and starts swinging it and trying to intimidate the Banshees (side note here for the young men listening: this is also an effective method to get the popular girl in the 8th grade to go out with you), but the Banshees just fly away and ignore him (just like all the popular girls that don't like you). After about 6 or 7 of them leave, the audience loses hope, thinking that something awesome was going to happen but they will never get to see it now. But wait, suddenly one of the Banshees lunges at him. He throws the velcro thing around its mouth and mounts its neck and tries to wrestle it into submission so he can plug his hair into its tube (yes, all the animals on Pandora are backwards compatible with Smurf hair, no need to upgrade). As he reaches for the tube, it bucks and throws him over the edge, and he narrowly escapes falling really really far by grabbing vine. He climbs up and jumps back on the thing, and this time manages to plug himself in. Uhura runs up somewhat frantically]
Uhura: You must fly! Now! The first flight is the most important! It seals the bond!
Sully: Uh...okay? Fly? [he flies away, somewhat erratically at first, and the Banshee is fighting him] Would you shut up and fly straight? [it does. Uhura joins him in his flight and they fly around the forest like most lovers do after they mount giant pterodactyls and nearly fall to their deaths miles below. Suddenly, Toruk, the largest Banshee on the planet, decides to attack them]
Keep in mind the guy riding that bastard is 12 feet tall. Fuck your parakeet.
[They do some stunts and stuff, and in a painful 5 minute sequence that makes us miss the horrors of podracing, manage to lose him by crashing him into some vines. That's right. The biggest, strongest fucker on the planet is outsmarted by two cat-smurfs and some vines. They land on a tree and laugh. All of a sudden we're back at the base of operations, where Jake Sully is waiting for Colonel Badass in the lunchroom.]
Colonel: Well son, you did good. I have all the intel I need to move these guys and if they don't comply, I have the intel to hold their culture down by the balls and butcher it. You can go home and get your legs back now, the shuttle leaves tomorrow and it's all paid for by the company.
Sully: Thanks, but I think you should know that I'm not leaving quite yet. Tomorrow night their holding a ceremony to make me one of them. I think if they do I can convince them to move.
Colonel: Well then you better get it done, private.
[it's already the next night. Uhura paints Sully's Avatar's body with some crazy glow in the dark shit and they walk up to Magua. He says something and they all touch Sully and chant weird things. Uhura takes Sully to the Tree of Voices, which is basically a glow in the dark Weeping Willow that holds the memories of everyone that dies here, and they use their hair to plug in and listen to the planet, or something. They make out and fall asleep after some cheezy "I want you, do you accept" thing. The scene fades out and back in to the sound of trucks backing up. Uhura looks around groggily and turns around just in time to see a giant bulldozer tearing up the forest coming toward them]
"Welp, guess these sacred grounds aren't going to defile themselves."
[Uhura tries frantically to wake Jake by shaking him, but when that doesn't work she just drags him through the forest running from the bulldozer. Meanwhile, back at the mountain pods]
Weaver: Hey, eat something. You didn't eat dinner yesterday and you know what happens when we forget to feed you.
Sully: Meh. [eats quickly]
Weaver: You should shower, too, but we're not supposed to get water on you after midnight. Shower later, I guess it's not all that important.
[Sully enters the pod and his Avatar wakes up lying in the dirt with giant bulldozers bearing down on him and Uhura. He runs out and yells at the bulldozer, which stops. The guy controlling it (remotely, from the control room on base) asks Wade what to do]
Controller: What do I do? This native is just standing there.
Wade: Keep going, he'll move. [pushes the control stick forward, Sully moves out of the way] See? We gotta show these guys we're not going to stop for them.
[Sully, realizing that smashing the optics on the bulldozer are the only way to stop it, decided to grab a rock and smash them. He climbs on it and smashes the optics, and jumps off. The dozer keeps going and Sully and Uhura watch in horror as it destroys the Tree of Voices and about 30 identical trees nearby. They run back to the tribe to warn them of what's coming. When they arrive, Felix greets them angrily]
Felix: Uhura, you mated with this man? [points at Sully]
Weaver: Shit. [NOTE: actual line. This is really all she had to say.]
Uhura: The bond has been made. It cannot be broken.
Sully: Hey Felix, this isn't the problem. Right now there's people plowing over the land an--[Felix tackles him, Sully beats the fuck out of him and leaves him laying in the dirt. He pulls out his knife and throws it to the side] I am not your enemy! The enemy is out there and is coming to kill us! There's something I have to say. The reason I came here is--[he falls over, unconscious, as do Weaver and Cooter. You forgot about Cooter, didn't you? Anyways, they all wake up in the lab. Colonel angry pants pushed the emergency shutdown button on the pods. He brings them up to talk with Wade in the control room.]
Wade: [shows video of Sully smashing the bulldozer's optics] What the fuck, man? What the fuck?
Sully: That tree was sacred.
Wade: I can't throw a stick around here without hitting something sacred.
Weaver: No, not voodoo sacred. Like, "connected via millions of synapses" sacred. When you killed those trees you didn't just fuck with the Na'vi's heads, you messed with everything on the planet.
Sully: I might be able to get these guys to get out of your way, but I need time.
Wade: You have an hour. After that, we bring the pain.
[they return to the lab and enter their pods. Back in the village, Uhura and Magua are yelling about things when Sully runs in]
Sully: I need to tell you something. I was sent here to make you move, so you wouldn't be dead when these things came here to kill your home and stuff.
Uhura: You knew this would happen?
Sully: If I said no and that this is all a big misunderstanding would you believe me?
Magua: Bind them!
Sully: Didn't think so. [the tribe closes in and binds Sully and Weaver's Avatars for treason. They bring them to the shore of the nearby lake and prepare to slit their throats. Just as they are about to die, the entire fleet of Hawks fly in escorting a Dragon Assault Ship (think Whale+helicopter)]
"I'm aerodynamic!"
[Colonel awesome zooms in on his camera doohickey and sees Sully and Weaver tied up, figures dimplomacy didn't work too well, and tells the fleet to open fire with gas rounds. After a couple minutes, he notices it's not doing much in the way of getting these bastards to move, so he gives the go ahead with incendiary missiles. Everyone opens fire on Home Tree, except Rain]
Big damn tree.
Rain: Fuck this shit. I didn't sign up for this. [flies away]
[below, the natives flee in terror as the giant fucking tree falls on them. The Colonel laughs heartily as he watched hundreds of innocent aliens running in terror and dying as branches the size of Hummers fall on them. A splinter the size of the tires on a smart car finds its way into Magua's chest cavity and he falls to the ground gasping for air. Meanwhile back at the beach, CCH Pounder comes up and frees them, saying that if he is truly one of them he will help. He runs into the debris and finds Uhura, nursing her dying father. He says he's sorry but she tells him to leave and never come back. So he walks away and falls unconscious. Again. Turns out the guys at the lab are trigger happy for that emergency stop button.]
Wade: The fuck, man? You still didn't succeed? That's it. Throw them in jail.
[they are taken to jail, where Rain shows up with a cart]
Rain: Hey, guard guy, can you believe these traitors get steak?
Guard: What? Lemme see. [crouches down to look inside]
Rain: [takes out...something, no one really knows what. It looked like a big silver block.] Yeah, you know what that is [no he didn't. Even she didn't.] Get on the ground. All the way. Good. [knocks him unconscious. It obviously wasn't a gun because otherwise she would have shot him] Come on, we gotta go. [lets them out. They run to the hangar after talking with Dr. Max Patel about how he needs to keep them posted about what Colonel fucker is planning next. They get in a Hawk and are taking off when the Colonel notices.]
Colonel: Bastards! [runs outside without his oxygen mask, starts shooting a gun with no breech, hammer, or visible cocking mechanism whatsoever and fires at them]
Seriously, how does that thing work?
[After his clip empties out he grabs a machine gun from a nearby guard and fires more, until they're long gone and he's satisfied that everyone knows how awesome he is]
Sully: Everyone okay?
Weaver: [lifts hand from stomach, revealing she's been shot] This going to mess up my whole day.
Sully: Shit. Get us to the mountains now!
[they arrive at the mountains, where they detach the pod part of the cabin and fly it closer to the sacred tree, Eywa, which causes the interference with the vehicle's instruments, because their thought pattern went something along the lines of "This is hard enough already, let's make it harder and hope no one finds us". Sully knows he needs the natives' help and they need his, so as the camera watches random things happen he does a voice over about these needs, during which his Australian accent finds its way through. He decides that to get the Na'vi's help he would need to show them he's serious, and what better way than hijacking Toruk, the king of killing and causing fear and using him as his new Banshee. He succeeds in doing so and flies to the sacred tree, where the Na'vi have gathered for safety. Their fears show when half of them shit their loincloths when they see Toruk landing behind them, but the fears subside in favor of "what the fuck?" when they realize it's just Toruk piloted by Jake Sully. Sully approaches Felix and Uhura at the altar]
Sully: You need my help and I need yours. Let's make this happen.
Felix: Okay. What now?
Sully: Weaver is dying. Fix her and I'll help you fight the sky demons.
CCH: Deal. Bring her here.
[he brings Weaver and her Avatar to the tree, where they are laid on the ground nude as the tree grows hairy shit all over them and the natives chant something. Sigourney wakes back up briefly and mutters something, then dies. Everyone gets all sad, because now who will save them from the army of Aliens in their ship she is dead. Sully stands up and asks Felix to help interpret what he says so everyone can understand them]
Sully: The sky demons have come and killed our home. They destroyed our land. Now they're coming to kill Eywa and ourselves. We can't let that happen. We have to stop them, by any means necessary. Ride out to all the other tribes, gather them here. We will stop them. We will drive them from our planet, because I AM BEOW--wait, wrong movie. Hey we're gonna kill the dudes that are trying to kill us. Deal?
[everyone cheers. They all go places and get more tribes to gather at Eywa and form a force to kill their attackers. At the base, Colonel guy notices this on the heat sensitive satellite images and calls a meeting of everyone on base]
Colonel: Make no mistake, everyone here is now fighting to survive. The natives are growing rapidly in numbers and won't stop until we kill them or they kill us. At this rate within a week they'll overrun our perimeter, and kill us all. Load all the bombs into the shuttle, we're going to bomb their tree until nothing on this planet will come within 2000 clicks of this base for sheer fear for their lives.
[Dr. Max contacts Sully, informing him of the Colonel's plan. Rain, Cooter and Sully talk about tactics]
Rain: We can't go up against that. We wouldn't survive.
Cooter: I agree.
Sully: Rain, you fly these mountains. We fly these mountains. They don't. If they attack us here, we have the homefield advantage. We win.
[the next day arrives. The Na'vi are on their horses and Banshees, and prepare to attack the invaders. Meanwhile, the humans have pulled together their fleet of Hawks and the Dragon. And the space shuttle Valkyrie, loaded like a giant bomber with pallets upon pallets of bombs ready to drop on the trees below]
"Vrooooooooom!"
Colonel: [noticing the Na'vi are nowhere in sight] Watch out they're out there, waiting, hiding. [thousands of natives on Banshees dive from above and attack the fleet] Open fire!
[giant battle ensues, hundreds of natives die and the fleet is nearly destroyed by blue smurf kittens on giant birds. Meanwhile, Rain is killed as a missile connects with her cockpit. Only a handful of Hawks remain, and Sully flies over the Valkyrie. He arms a grenade and throws it into one of the jet intakes on it, crippling it and causing it to crash. He jumps off onto the Dragon and tries the same thing, but the Colonel is onto him and comes outside and shoots at him. Sully falls off the side and grabs a missile before he falls off, and climbs back on after detaching the missile. He throws it into a rotor and the Dragon starts to crash, so the Colonel jumps into a heavy weapons suit and jumps out to the forest below]
Pictured: Colonel Badass's Awesome Suit of Great Success
[Sully notices that the Colonel is now trying to kill Sully's human body in the pod, which is inside a building right under where they were fighting (really didn't think that one through) and decides maybe he should stop him. He flies down to attack the suit, in time for Uhura to step in, riding the awful beak panther thing from earlier]
"Remember me? Now I get to fuck you up."
[Uhura fights the suit, and she is thrown aside under the panther, and before she can get away the Colonel
kills the panther, rendering her useless. The Colonel smashes a window on the building just as Sully flies down and attacks him. As the fight commences, the poisonous air filters into Sully's pod, slowly killing him as he fights the Colonel. Soon, though, he passes out and wakes up human, flings open his pod and scrambles for the oxygen mask on the wall, but without legs or his chair he can't get to it and passes out. Uhura shoots the Colonel in the chest with a couple arrows, and he fights for a couple more seconds before he dies, because petty things like death shouldn't get in the way of achieving your dreams of killing innocent aliens. Uhura, satisfied that the Colonel is dead, jumps into the building and puts the mask on Sully. Back at base a couple days later, most of the humans are evicted, with the science staff the only ones allowed to remain because they weren't the bad guys. We see Jake Sully sitting in front of the log camera, telling us this is his last log because he's going to be late for his own party.]
Sully: It is my birthday, after all.
[the camera finds its way to Eywa, and pans in to see Sully and his Avatar laying in the hairy shit at the altar. He is permanently transferred to his Avatar body and his human one is left to rot. Movie ends, and just as Cameron usually does, the past 3 hours have been fantastic.]
Images, characters, and other ideas other than the satire expressed in this material is the property of James Cameron, the Avatar Wiki (james-camerons-avatar.wikia.com) , and anyone else that came up with these things. The satire and the rescript belongs to me.
